1. How the Band Got Together
broadcast November 16, 1989
The honest people of Worksop have long been menaced by the villainous King John and the Sheriff of Nottingham. A young maid named Marian has had enough - she's going to form a band of ruthless guerilla fighters to otherthrow their menace. This is the story of how the Merry Men were recruited; the story of Barrington the Rasta, Rabies the wally, Little Ron the violent, and the cowardly but soon-to-be famous Robin of Kensington...
With Lionel Taylor as the GATEKEEPER
MARIAN: Look, I don't want to be rude Mr Ron, but it's a very large bridge and frankly, you're not exactly massive, are you?
KING JOHN: I will do such disgusting things to you that even the torturers will go "urrrgh", and ask to leave the room.
ROBIN: Yes! You will be imprisoned, tortured, and what is more...see! I set fire to your underpants!
2. Robert the Incredible Chicken
broadcast November 23, 1989
King John is not pleased that he has been hung up in his own torture chamber, and now he's ready for revenge. But when the Sheriff, Gary and Graeme, out stalking bushes, are scared out of their wits by what they believe is stunning piece of trick archery by the great Robin Hood, the King has a plan to lure Robin into a trap.
With Alan McMahon as CLOUGH and Kellie Bright as the LITTLE GIRL
Songs: The Story so Far
MARIAN: "Can't", Robin? There's no such word as "can't", is there?
RABIES: Yes there is!
SHERIFF: Cut his head off.
GARY: But I haven't got any scissors.
SHERIFF: Use your sword!
MARIAN: One word from me, and my highly trained team of commandos - face the front please, Little Ron! - will bury two feet of very sharp wood into your scrawny bodies.
RABIES: And fire arrows at you!
3. A Game Called John
broadcast November 30, 1989
Even the festivities of Pancake Day can't cheer up King John when he realises that his subjects don't recognise him. The Sheriff is convinced that naming a new game after him is the only way to ensure his fame. Robin, meanwhile, is still trying to convince Marian that the Merry Men need new uniforms. Can these two plot threads possibly be related?
With Kellie Bright as the LITTLE GIRL
Songs: Pancake Day
SHERIFF: I think it's Pancake Day, yes it's Pancake Day, it must be Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pa-Pancake Day.
KING JOHN: King is my first name!
ROBIN: They thought we were Morris Men! I hate Morris Men!
BARRINGTON: Yeah, they're like clowns without the funny bits.
4. The Miracle Of St. Charlene
broadcast December 7, 1989
King John's rich Uncle has died, leaving him only a hot water bottle - which he orders the Sheriff to sell for fifty gold pieces - no easy task when, even if you can convince them it's a holy relic, the only thing the peasants have fifty pieces of is mud. And the Merry Men have their work cut out for them if they're to steal it - because first, they need to cross the river...
With Kellie Bright as the LITTLE GIRL
Songs: Gotta Get Across
GRAEME: I'm sure it's a tortoise!
GARY: Great! What shall we call it?
GRAEME: How about...Mansell! That's a good name for a tortoise.
MARIAN: What do you mean you ran out of wood? What's this?
ROBIN: Um...a forest.
MARIAN: So where do we get more wood from?
ROBIN: A wood shop?
MARIAN: Why not try trees, Robin?
ROBIN: 'Cause you said twenty; you said "fetch twenty sturdy pine trees" and we used them all up.
MARIAN: I just meant twenty-ish, it's the words of a song for goodness' sake!
5. The Sharp End of a Cow
broadcast December 14, 1989
King John is less than impressed with the Sheriff's performance. Not only are Robin Hood and his Merry band of freedom fighters still fighting free, but Robin and the Men have become incredibly popular with the peasants! John decides the Sheriff's for the sack, and heads out to find Hood himself. Luckily, Robin has just devised a new method for the Men to alert each other of danger, which is a great idea even if Marian can't see it; and they're going to need it, because the Sheriff, in a desperate bid to get his job back, has gone undercover...
KING JOHN: You're as much use as a cheeseburger to a drowning elephant.
ROBIN's sign, the last line of defence at Merry Men headquarters:
Hello. This is Robin Hood. I'm afraid the Merry Men aren't available to speak to you right now, but if you'd like to leave a message we'll call you back as soon as we can.
6. The Whitish Knight
broadcast December 21, 1989
A mysterious knight clad in white (or at least a sort of creamy-beigy colour) has been sighted across the country. King John has received a postcard from his brother Richard with news of an impending visit. Are the two connected? Could it be that Richard has returned, and that England's woes are at an end? Well of course not, don't be stupid, there wouldn't be any scope for the next three series if that happened...
With Reg Harding as the HORSEMAN and Forbes Collins as KING RICHARD
Titles: As normal, accompanied by "The White Knight" song, reading "6. The White Knight"; the title is repeated after the Men re-christen him the Whitish Knight, with "ish" hand-drawn after "White".
Songs: The White Knight
SINGERS: "Ooh-ooh, the White Knight."
ROBIN: Hang on, hang on, he's not white!...He's a sort of creamy-beigy colour.
LITTLE RON: Yeah! "The Creamy-Beigy Knight".
MARIAN: You can't call him the Creamy-Beigy Knight, it's ridiculous!
ROBIN: You certainly can't call him the White Kinght, it's a zonking great fibberoonie.
MARIAN: Well what can we call him then?
LITTLE RON: The Whitish Knight?
MARIAN: Hmmm...okay. Now let's get on!
SINGERS: "Ooh-ooh, the Whitish Knight."
1. How the Band Got Together 2. Robert the Incredible Chicken 3. A Game Called John
4. The Miracle of St. Charlene 5. The Sharp End of a Cow 6. The Whitish Knight
The Miracle of St.Charlene
1.The Beast of Bolsover 2.The Worksop Egg Fairy 3.Little Brown Noses
4.Rabies in Love 5.Rotten Rose - part one 6.Rotten Rose- part two
1.The Beast of Bolsover
broadcast November 15, 1990
Sherwood is the Merry Men's forest. Everyone knows that. Barrington even wrote his name on one of the leaves just the other day...but you try telling that to the Beast of Bolsover and his two sidekicks. They've come to Sherwood and they're not leaving - and that means they're kicking out the Merry Men and taking over their hideout! Things look grim, but a well-placed blow with a frying-pan gives the Sheriff a nasty headache - and Marian a plan.
With Kerry Potter as NETTLE, Marcus Eyre as the BEAST OF BOLSOVER, Philip Neve as the NUISANCE OF NUNEATON, and John Dallimore as WEASEL
BEAST: I'd get a better licking from a squashed wombat! [and many other truly awful mock-Australian phrases]
MARIAN: Robin, do you ever listen to what mouth's saying or do you just let it flap up and down on its own?
2. The Worksop Egg Fairy
broadcast November 22, 1990
King John wants an egg - and as luck would have it, the fabled Worksop Egg Fairy has just delivered one under the town's chicken. The Merry Men's rescue mission doesn't quite go as planned, however, and it seems that the only way to give the villagers of Worksop eggs is to save them from their own stupidity. But that's not an easy task when you're talking about people who believe that at the end of the rainbow there's a volcano spewing forth mauve custard...
Songs: What is Happening Here?; Bop for an Egg
SHERIFF: Gary, what's this?
GARY: A belt?
SHERIFF: [holds belt higher] And what's this?
GARY: Er...belt up?
ROBIN: Fetch pipes, fetch drums, fashion musical instruments from the shoulderblade of a pig and the stomach-lining of a water-vole; we're going to get down to some really bad sounds!
3. Little Brown Noses
broadcast November 29, 1990
The Sheriff is cracking down on crime - and he's nicked Colin, Worksop's chicken, for illegal parking! Robin thinks that they should pay the fine, but will their charity concert raise enough money? And what will the King's sister do to John with a pencil if he doesn't look after his nephew, Guy of Gisborne?
With Kerry Potter as NETTLE and Dale Shoulders as YOUNG SNOOKER
Titles: The end titles are scrolled over the villagers rejoicing at Colin's return, accompanied not by the theme but Colin's Release Song.
Songs: Against the Law; Colin's Release Song
GLADYS: Have you got a chicken up your doublet?
GLADYS: You have! That's my Colin! What's she doing up your doublet?
SHERIFF: [takes a look] I'd rather not say if you don't mind.
4. Rabies In Love
broadcast December 6, 1990
Rabies is the perfect advertisement for Marian's aerobics classes, easily beating all-comers at arm wrestling. But then Fergi arrives, and Rabies is besotted with the strongest woman he's ever seen. But just when they hit upon a plan to bring his mind down from "higher things", they discover that Fergi won't be available for a blind date - because the King is going to get rid of Guy by marrying him off to her. But perhaps that's just as well; I mean, who needs all that sickening love stuff anyway?
With Kerry Potter as NETTLE, Jelena Budimic as FERGI, John Rapley as SIR WALTER FERGUSON, and Sophie Reissner as MARGARET THE THATCHER
Titles: The titles, decorated with valentine's hearts and lace, are shown over a film-clip like montage of Rabies rolling in flowers, etc., accompanied by "Rabies in Love".
Songs: Rabies in Love; Wedding Today
Rabies' love poem, pinned to the trees Orlando style: " Darling darling Fergi,
I can't find the worgy,
To say how much I lurgy."
5. Rotten Rose -Part One
broadcast December 13, 1990
Robin has become a mega-star - all the girls of Worksop have their eye on him, and none more so than Marian's old schoolmate Rose Scargill. After tricking Marian into letting her visit the Merry Men hideout, and nicking a sackful of Robin's personal effects, Rose discovers that the Sheriff would only too gladly remove Robin's head if he caught him. Thus begins a twisted and insane plan, and before it's over, Robin will be languishing in a dungeon believing Marian is a traitor...
With Kerry Potter as NETTLE, Lorraine Parslow as COWPAT, and Alan McMahon as CLOUGH
Titles: Decorated with Rose buds.
Songs: Robin Hood; Song from Guy (i)
ROBIN'S FANS: [singing] Oh how I wish I could, do something, do something good - with Robin Hood.
ROBIN: Something terrible's happened to my bottom!
KING JOHN: Robin Hood, Robin Hood, that's all I ever hear; I don't want much out of life: Robin Hood dead, my nephew off my hands, and a national anthem with a little bit of go in it; it's not much to ask, but do I get it? No way!
6. Rotten Rose -Part Two
broadcast December 20, 1990
It's almost time for Robin and Marian to get the chop. Will Marian save them from Rose? Will Robin work out what's going on? Unfortunately, it looks like the Merry Men will have to come up with a plan by themselves, and that doesn't bode well for Marian and Robin... And look out girls, because Robin Hood appears in this episode cald only in his green underpants!
With Kerry Potter as NETTLE
Titles: Again decorated with rosebuds. Shown at the end of "Rotten Rose", which is accompanied by clips of part one.
Songs: Rotten Rose; Song from Guy (ii)
SHERIFF: I want this place as spotless as a skin-care advertisement - otherwise I'll chop you into a rather easy two-piece jigsaw.
MARIAN: So you made a mistake, Robin - so did I! No-one ever said fighting injustice'd be easy. They've got the power, they've got the weapons, and all we've got is a Rasta, a wally, and a bearded avacado.
1. The Big Baby 2. They Came From Outer Space 3. Driving Ambition
4. Robin and the Beansprout 5. Keeping Mum 6. The Great Mud Harvest
1. The Big Baby
broadcast January 7, 1993
While the Merry Men are trying to explain to Rabies that Barrington is merely doing impressions of the King and the Sheriff and has not actually swallowed them, King John has decided it's time people paid respect to their monarch and gave him presents. But the life-size jelly baby in his image is captured by the Merry Men, so the Sheriff needs some other gifts fast. He soon hatches a plan involving a new holiday, the King, and a lot of stupid peasants to ensure His Majesty is showered with gifts.
With John Dallimore as WEASEL
Titles: King John yells "Guards! Where are the titles?" Gary and Graeme hold them up on parchment, reading them: "Maid Marian and Her Merry Men, your Majesty." "By Tony Robinson, your Majesty." Gary brings the episode title out back-to-front. "The Big..." "You've got it back to front!" King John takes it and reads it himself.
Songs: Father Bloopy; Don't Worry 'Bout the Pain
ROBIN: Wait until I tell Marian - she'll be as excited as a policeman with two truncheons!
GARY: Halt! Who goes there Marian?
2. Driving Ambition
broadcast January 14, 1993
Life is dead boring in Worksop; this week's highlight is the Grade A mud-throwing, followed by the reserves. But the one talent possessed by the villagers - singing - has been completely ignored, and so Marian plans a Song for Worksop competition. The competition is soon hi-jacked by Rose, and the Sheriff too; he needs money to bribe the King's driving instructor, and Guy has bet a thousand gold pieces that he won't win the contest. Of course, Barrington knows that he could win doing a duet, but with Rose running the show? Both sides soon hit upon a plan to provide the panel with bent judges...
Songs: Take Action; A Friend Like Rose
MARIAN: Barrington, would you mind not bursting into song every time I talk to you? This is the Worksop highroad, not Sesame Street!
KING JOHN: "Name eight places where it is dangerous to park." Um - oh, what a stupid question! In a tank full of pirahna fish, under the backside of an elephant...
3. Keeping Mum
broadcast January 14, 1993
Marian's Mum is coming to visit, but there's a slight problem - she thinks Marian's a dental receptionist! The Men offer to pose as dentists for her, and the ruse works. The Sheriff, however, sees only one thing in Marian's Mum (apart from her cardigan) - the perfect bait with which to capture Marian.
with Patsy Byrne as MARIAN'S MUM
Songs: Pierced; Call the Dentists
SHERIFF: [chatting up Marian's Mum] 46! 'Tis a miracle! Such smooth skin, such flaxen hair, such a nice cardigan...
SHERIFF (singing): You shot the Sheriff and the Sheriff doesn't care...
4. They Came From Outer Space
broadcast January 28, 1993
When a blazing fireball flies through the sky, the villagers and the Men start wondering about life beyond the stars, Guy says he has an invisible friend named Plop-bop, and King John is suddenly frightened of invasion by space carriage. As a result, the Sheriff is ordered to raise money for a protective net, but all that's left to take from the peasants are their clothes...so Marian decides that aliens might just come to the castle after all.
With Carly Britnell as HAYLEY and Nathalie Bennion as HAYLEY'S MUM.
Titles: Purple grows through main title and writer credit, accompanied by video game sound effects; the episode title is written in a suitably "alien" font.
Songs: Only Child; Naked to the Visible Eye
KING JOHN: But they're rags!
SHERIFF: That's right, it's their uniform. If they wore fur coats and high heels you wouldn't know they were peasants.
KING JOHN: I gave it all to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Animals.
SHERIFF: Didn't you miss the "cruelty", my Lord?
KING JOHN: Yes of course I missed it, that's why I gave them all my jumble!
MARIAN: Wow! What a fantastic sense of rhythm you've all got!
HAYLEY: It's the hundreds of years of oppression you see.
5. Robin and the Beansprout
broadcast February 4, 1993
Marian has had enough of Robin's excuses, based as they are on last night's bedtime stories. He's got to return with dinner for the men or else! Robin sets out with only a solitary beansprout for company, but soon miracluous events and fortuitous circumstance enable him to boldly go where no man has gone before - and return with several massive platefuls of takeaway Chinese food.
Titles: The Men read them during their opening song (see the song for details)
Songs: I Wish They'd Put Their Heads Outside; Chop Suey
SNOOKER: You've melted my heart, dissolved my kidneys, and lubricated my lower intestines.
SHERIFF: I'm not a fan of Chinese food. You know what they say; you eat a Chinese meal, and two hours later, you throw up.
6. The Great Mud Harvest
broadcast February 11, 1993
The last of Worksop's valuables have been taxed by the King, and as such, the Sheriff is made redundant - unless he can find some more riches to plunder from the villagers. Meanwhile, Marian is frustrated as her famine relief does nothing to cheer up the peasants, while Robin infuriatingly keeps them happy singing about his new white suit. But can he keep it clean?
Titles: Written in the mud.
Songs: White Suit
BARRINGTON: [on seeing Robin in his suit] It's Robin of Sherbet.
Much the Mini Mart Managers Son Part 1
broadcast December 24, 1993 (50 min. special)
repeated 20th and 27th July 2001 as 2 parts
The Christmas special was scheduled for and filmed in 1992, but not broadcast until Christmas Eve 1993. The merry men are having dance lessons and a dodgy fella called "Much" helps out Robin when he gets in trouble with the sheriffs. Much sells dodgy goods to the people of worksop and seems to have his eye on Marian. The merry men are worried when Marian ends up spending time with much as he seems to be manipulating him and Rose Scargill. This special episode was originally 50 minutes long. With Phillip Wright as MUCH
Much the Mini Mart Managers Son Part 2
broadcast December 24, 1993 (50 min. special)
repeated 20th and 27th July 2001 as 2 parts
The Christmas special was scheduled for and filmed in 1992, but not broadcast until Christmas Eve 1993. The merry men are having dance lessons and a dodgy fella called "Much" helps out Robin when he gets in trouble with the sheriffs. Much sells dodgy goods to the people of worksop and seems to have his eye on Marian. The merry men are worried when Marian ends up spending time with much as he seems to be manipulating him and Rose Scargill.
In this conclusion Much shows his true deceitful colours
1. Tunnel Vision 2. The Wise Woman of Worksop 3. Bouncy Sheriff 4. Robin the Bad
5. Raining Forks 6. The Nice Sumatran 7. Voyage to the Bottom of the Forest
1. Tunnel Vision
broadcast January 5, 1994
(Co-written by David Lloyd and Mark Billingham)
Gaming has come to Sherwood! The men are playing "Chronic the Hedgehog" and Robin's right into Dungeons and Dragons, even if Marian doesn't play by the rules (must be something to do with the new haircut...). Meanwhile Rose has kidnapped Guy, and the Sheriff has to convince Queen Eleanor that Guy's been enjoying himself...
Songs: Double Trouble
GARY: It's this ground. It's harder than a GSCE Maths paper written backwards in Japanese.
2. Bouncy Sheriff
broadcast January 12, 1994
Guy has filled the castle with his useless toys, and the King wants the Sheriff to get rid of them - under threat of being turned into an inflatable bouncy Sheriff for Guy's enjoyment. Meanwhile, Marian has had enough of the Men's sexist attitudes, and is leaving. Against her better judgement, she takes a job with Rose selling shoddy housing, and finds herself imprisoned - and the Men aren't far behind her. It looks like the King's new torture machine is going to get a real workout!
With John Dallimore as WEASEL and Alastair Galbraith as WALTER
Songs: Friends or Foes?
SHERIFF: Wait an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow-polka-dotted minute!
3. Raining Forks
broadcast January 19, 1994
Worksop is held in the grip of a terrible plague, or, as it's more usually known, a bad cold. The King is also afflicted, and decides what he really needs is a nice vacation by the sea-side in a resort. The Sheriff goes into Evil Plan Overdrive as he cons the peasants into building the holiday camp for free. Luckily for them, though, the Merry Men are on the holiday from hell in Skegness, just down the road from the new Holiday Camp. Before High Forks Night is over, the Merry Men will have busted the peasants free of their forced labour - or been blown up trying.
With Peter Waddington as the CHIEF INSPECTOR FOR THE MINISTRY OF FOOD (SKEGNESS BRANCH).
Songs: Vacation; High Forks Night
GLADYS: It swept through Worksop like the plague!
SNOOKER: It is the plague, Gladys!
GLADYS: I know! It swept through Worksop like another plague that isn't the one that just swept through Worksop!
ROBIN: You know the poem: "Remember, remember, the twenty-seventh of April."
4. The Wise Woman of Worksop
broadcast January 26, 1994
The men can't sleep, and as if that weren't bad enough, they're keeping the rest of Sherwood awake with their all-night raves. Gladys has a solution, but when things go wrong, only her father can help, and he's strung up in the King's dungeon - or at least he was. With Marian and Robin captured, it is Rabies who comes up with a plan to set them free - and, astonishingly enough, it works.
With John Dallimore as WEASEL, Alastair Galbraith as WALTER, and Roger Ostime as GLADYS'S DAD
Titles: Lighting for Robin's rave.
Songs: Pixie Paul
GLADYS: [adding ingredients to a cauldron] Eye of newt, windpipe of thistlethrush, fanbelt of jaguar...
WALTER: They've got all this new technology outside: the wheel, the stick, the piglet; I couldn't handle it, I'd crack up!
5. Robin the Bad
broadcast February 2, 1994
He's wreaking havoc in the village of Worksop! He's a menace to society! He's killed the King! He's ... Robin?!! Well, he's not actually, but Clem Costner is such an amazing lookalike that soon only Barrington, Rabies and Little Ron believe Robin is innocent; in the meantime, the Sheriff has taken over the post of Most Popular Man in Sherwood.
With Karen Salt as CHICKWEED
Songs: Thicky-Stupid; A Collection of Amusing Things
CLEM: Struth! That woman's power mad, she should have been a metalwork teacher.
ROBIN: A super-hero? Don't make me laugh; Super Mario maybe, you've got the right size head and you jump up and down all the time.
TIMMY (imitating SHERIFF): I don't really like these people! I just tried to buy their affection with cheap and shoddy promotional devices I stole from MacDonald's Squirrel Burger Emporium...I'm Noel Edmond's House Party! I'm foul! Unspeakably foul!
6. The Nice Sumatran
broadcast February 9, 1994
Marian's plan to scare off King John has worked - he's abdicated, leaving Guy on the throne. But soon a vagrant turns up at Merry Men headquarters, and Robin decides to follow the example of the Good Sumatran and allow him to stay - until the untimely demise of Clarence the Water-Vole. King John has to go, and that means putting him back on the throne - but where can Marian find a plan stupid enough to frighten off Guy? And will the Sheriff actually work with the Merry Men to remove Guy's crown?
Songs: The King of England is a Pig; Party People Party; Take My Heart
SHERIFF: The King has scarpered; long live the King.
ROBIN: Guard it with your life, what a ridiculous thing to say - guard it with your big stick...
7. Voyage to the Bottom of the Forest
broadcast February 16, 1994
Rabies' laziness has cost the merry men yet another armed robbery; but when they steal a battleship, and try to launch it, they begin a weird adventure in a freaky parallel Universe where everything is almost, but not quite, the same (except for some things, which are completely opposite). The strange country of Engyland, however, has awaited Rabies' arrival - for it is his destiny to save them from the wicked witch and her cohort, the awful Ogre...
Songs: Lazy; The Story of Workflop
ROBIN: How much do you think they've got?
MARIAN: Twenty thousand gold pieces?
ROBIN: Wow! I'll get a Gucci quiver, Armani tights...
MARIAN: Don't you know what this means?
RABIES: Yeah..."this" means the thing I'm pointing at, like "this pimple", "this armpit", "this great twit with wings on his bonce".
Episode guides taken from Barrington's MM site and episode titles taken from Keith's MM site.
The Wise Woman
Voyage to the Bottom of the Forest